My Italian Diary: Chasing Dreams

Things are finally starting to slow down a bit since our move. For me, it’s never a good thing. Once I start to slow down, all the things I like keeping tucked in the back of my mind come to fruition. Being aware of that, though, I’ve been finally confronting these thoughts and working them out one by one.

After months of spinning around between jobs, countries, and apartments, everything seems normal…calm. It’s uncomfortable, really. There is an overwhelming orb of complacency that’s constantly hovering around me. I have a good job working 9-6 M-F, adorable apartment in the foothills, incredible boyfriend, strong and encouraging family, good health…everything. This makes it impossible for me to understand why I’m still searching for something more. It’s what people do, right? Live life comfortably in routine. Routine. There is no reason for me to not feel fulfilled and happy with everything I have. So — why do I keep running? Why do I continue chasing a dream that I don’t even know exists yet—a dream ever-changing and ever-evolving.

Even after following my life-long dreams of moving to Italy, I can’t help but feel like there is still a part of me missing. I find myself in my day to day still dreaming of one thing: food.

I found a job producing video for an agency that protects the integrity of Italian food all over the world. What a dream job! …right? Through this desk job, however, I’m finding myself living out the same reason I wanted to leave NY. I wake up at the same time each day, go for a run, shower, dress, hair, makeup, breakfast, read, go to work, come home, cook, sip wine, sleep. A job I initially imagined would give me all doors and windows into learning everything about italian food now has me in the same box I was in the US—creating video for social likes and traffic. I love creating video. Having to create meaningless content to appease to the Facebook gods is simply not fulfilling. I love creating content that impacts people—that changes minds, opens conversation, creates perspective. At this desk I feel like I’ve forgotten the reason I came here. I moved to Italy to follow my dreams…to learn and explore. To reconnect to my family’s roots and traditions. Through this transition, I’ve found what truly makes me happy and fulfilled: cooking.

Creating, tasting, learning, experimenting, engaging all of my senses with different ingredients and traditions. That’s my calling. Sharing the indescribable magic of nature, and fresh ingredients with people, passing plates, breaking bread, laughter, conversation, stories. How could I possibly put into words what it feels like every time I cook, or eat? How my heart speeds up out of excitement when I’m creating something out of instinct, and it’s working. How my entire body feels heavy when a recipe doesn’t work, but is immediately followed by the rush of my blood to try again. The smiles on peoples’ faces, and the light in their eyes when they’re enjoying the meal. This is the only thing that I feel I don’t need to run from. The emotions, experiences, and relationships that connect me different foods are what drive me to create. I want to open my own restaurant. I want to create a platform of knowledge and awareness for food. And as of now, the only thing resting between me and pursuing this dream of sharing food with the world is this wooden desk.

So what’s holding me back?

I’ve made so many quick decisions in the past few months and year. This is something that I’m so sure about, but I want to make sure I do it right. I won’t know that I’m doing it right while I’m doing it, but through even just talking about it little by little has helped guide me to understand which direction to go. I’m discovering my passions for the earth, and what it means to grow from it. I want to feel the movements of cooking from start to finish to be able to truly understand what food is, and share that with the world.

I’ll always be chasing some sort of dream. When I stop, I’ll be dead.